I listened to myself say something today,
and I actually laughed.
“I know I shouldn’t care that much, but I do.”
“I mean, not that much, though. But still.”
That actually happened.
And this is not the first time.
Or the second.
I have gotten quite good. I have even myself fooled.
I continually succeed at convincing myself that what I think and what I feel is minuscule.
And I’ll tell you this.
It’s anything but.
Most days, I sit down to write my lessons and I know exactly what I want to write about.
The real problem?
I have to figure out a way to get it on the page without offending anyone, or having someone question whether it’s about them, or asking me who it’s about, or what it’s about.
I have to figure out a way to tone it down.
I have to find a way to actually tone my human emotions down.
But in all honesty,
(Note to self)
I don’t have to do shit.
Like, who am I actually kidding?
Having to pardon myself for being angry, or sad, or happy, or human?
This is not a fucking dinner table!
(But do pardon my french, though, sorry Mom)
Life is not a dinner table.
I don’t get to throw my napkin down and say, “I’m sorry, I don’t like this, so I’m just going to step away for one second.”
That’s not the way this works.
Having to excuse yourself for how you feel is just not fair.
It’s not fair to myself.
And it’s not fair to you.
So I’m going to be fair right now.
I am going to be fair, and completely delete the entire bullshit lesson I just previously wrote twenty minutes before this to dance around what I actually am feeling today.
And instead, I am going to take the liberty to write this.
I’m not a little bit upset.
I am not “sort of” “kind of” “maybe” “a little bit””upset.
I am just upset.
Even now, I have this internal urge to apologize to you and myself and type a disclaimer saying “I’m not really really angry, just sort of kind of-”
It doesn’t matter how much, or how little.
I’m upset, period.
Today’s real, un-danced around, un-censored lesson.
PEOPLE ARE SHITTY.
IT’S ACTUALLY SO FUNNY THAT I’M TYPING IN ALL CAPS.
LAUGH. BECAUSE I AM TOO.
I am actually amused at the never ending shit parade that is people. I am floored. Even the people you never thought.
The lesson today is unfortunately this.
Never forget that anybody is capable of being shitty.
Anybody, and everybody.
I wish I could fluff this lesson up for you. I wish I could make it all pretty and beautifully worded and enlightening and deep and kind and soft and delicate and nice.
But it’s just not.
I have no explanation.
People are shitty.
That doesn’t mean you should be a dick, or love people less, or be scared to make real connections and friendships and relationships.
But just know that nobody is excused from being shitty person, or simply just doing shitty things.
Insert Kanye Shrug.
About 53 days ago, I chose to take this journey,
so my thoughts are no longer just mine.
They are yours too.
And this is how I felt today.
Even if it wasn’t pretty.
But not everything in life is.
And maybe that’s my true lesson of the day.
My true lesson.