Recently, I lost the best relationship I had ever been in. We were together for a little over two years, and he was honestly my best friend. But one night I could sense something was wrong. He later told me he didn’t love me anymore, and that he was no longer attracted to me. My self-esteem was destroyed. It felt as though a piece of me had died, and finding a way to feel complete again has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I knew something was wrong a few months before it all ended, but I chose to ignore the signs because I thought it would pass and we would spend the rest of our lives together.
About a year into our relationship he proposed that we move to Germany together because free tuition is now being offered to international students. We both dropped out of college and started working more to save up our money. The thought of living out the rest of my days with the guy of my dreams made me so incredibly happy, it felt as though it was too good to be true. And it was.
I’ve been dealing with depression since around the 8th grade, but after it was all said and done between us, I fell into a pit of self-hatred and lost any motivation I had left to move forward in life. I moved back in with my parents in Georgia because I thought making a fresh start for myself would fix everything. I lost contact with the majority of the people that I called my friends, and I can honestly say I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I began having several thoughts of suicide.
Looking back, I know there were plenty of reasons the relationship had to end. To name one, we smoked pot every day and sat around accomplishing nothing. Sure, we were still working, but after about a year we didn’t really have a whole lot of money to show for it because we spent most of it on weed.
I’m in no way trying to bash this person by any means, because honestly, he’s a really good guy. He just ended up losing feelings for me and it all came out in a really bad way. We had reached a point where we were both stuck in a stasis, and the path we were both once following had reached a fork, and it was time to go our separate ways. He still wanted to be friends, but I knew if I had let that happen I would never actually be over him. I’m still not, but I’ve unfollowed him on all social media and I’ve deleted his number off of my phone in hopes that one day I will be.
Depressing shit aside, I do want to convey a lesson here. Throughout the relationship, I put all of my heart and soul into being with him. We were together just about every day. We didn’t give each other any room to grow as individuals. I focused all of my time and effort on staying in that relationship, I no longer even had a hold on who I was. I put all of my eggs in that basket and just hoped that everything would work out. I basically depended on him for my happiness, which is something nobody should ever do. I couldn’t make myself happy, so he was my solution. Its cliché, but a person really cannot love another until they can learn to love themselves, and that’s something I’m desperately trying to do. I’m going back to therapy and I’ve been going on daily walks and trying to work out more.
I’m still not sure on what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I feel like making these small steps to better my overall mental health is at least a good start. So what’s the lesson here?
Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Work towards your own goals and never lose sight of yourself. I’m not saying be selfish and never invest your time in a relationship, just don’t let your relationship consume your life. Don’t let any other person be the source of your happiness. That happiness needs to come from within.
I’ve also realized that it’s perfectly okay to not know what you want to do with your life. What I’ve started doing is just considering every little thing that I’m the slightest bit passionate about and going from there. Don’t be afraid to try anything and everything.
Stay cool, kiddos.
-Lesson by Joe McGraw-
Joe McGraw likes long walks through beautiful scenery and following an endless number of cats on Instagram. Coffee is life.