I’ve been in this place. I wouldn’t say it’s a dark place or low place, but it’s not high or lofty either. I’ve been out of my comfort zone consistently for the last year and a half; I haven’t felt grounded somewhere in a really long time. Just when I think I’m getting close, the rug gets pulled from under my feet again. And while it’s been exciting, I’ve underestimated how jarring that can be.
I keep thinking about who I am versus who I want to be. Where I am now and where I want to end up. Which path I should take, what values trump others. A lot of generalities. If you felt that from these sentences, that’s what I’ve been feeling, too.
I moved to California four months ago to pursue my dream and have been looking for new answers in new places. I thought a writing project would become the perfectly absorbent sponge to scrub the fuzziness from my head. A blog where I would write about something new every week, maybe every month. It couldn’t be too similar to this one, though. A Year of Lessons was a one-time-thing; I could never touch this blog again because it was unique and meant so much to me. It had to be brand new. It had to feed my love for excitement. But for some reason, every single time I sat down to create the page or start the first post— I just couldn’t do it. The idea of explaining the past year a and half since graduating quite honestly made me want to vomit. It wasn’t the content of the boxes in my mind that made me feel nauseated, it was the overwhelming thought of unloading it all and giving it a home.
What I love and have missed about this special blog I created three years ago — this little love of mine — is that it was a straight shooter. No compiling savory thoughts into a one week sandwich. No perfectly planned out essays or carefully crafted chapters or shortcuts or extensions. Just every single day, as it comes.
It made me remember that it all unfolds as it’s supposed to; the story unravels on the way.
My heart lept and I knew what I had to do.
So I guess my lesson today is,
if it beckons — if it rings —
answer the phone.
Pick up and say hello.
It’s buzzing for a reason.
Day 1, Year 2.